This Very Moment.

 

At this very moment I am sitting in my new room listening to Sam Smith, with my feet up and with the lights dimmed just to perfection. I have started a new chapter in this long life book. Moving out was pretty hard, thinking about not seeing my mom or brother everyday is tough. This is the first time in 10 years that I have my own space. Yeah thats a long time, but it was about time I spread my wings. 

This week was the first full week of classes since we started school. It was so hard waking up at 5am just to catch a damn train and arrive to class an hour early. The MBTA is so frustrating, you just do not know what to expect anymore.  Anyways, my classes are going pretty great and they are easy classes. I honestly wonder why I'm in these classes because I know exactly what I am doing, but hey improvement doesn't hurt me. Overall this week was pretty relaxing, I had a good four days off of both my jobs, which felt amazing ! But with Monday being a day away, it slowly becomes a terrible twist.

 I cannot believe that we are already in March, Feels like it was December last week. It is honestly baffling on how fast time is passing. Today I spent the last day of February pretty damn well. I cleaned up my room, bought some expensive furniture for my room (it is killing my wallet), and spent time with my wonderful boyfriend. I always look forward to Saturdays in general only because this is the only day we have to spend together other than Sunday's, but that day is always cut short. 

There isn't much on my mind, I'm pretty happy with life and the great support I have been getting from my mom. I guess you can say that she's on my mind. The picture I added is a Facebook post that she had posted up earlier today. I says the following ..

"Today my baby moved, its time for her to move on from being a baby to new adventures, the years pas and our kids grow and become independent. My heart is wrinkled with her decision, but I am so happy and proud because I know that she will get far in life. My fatty I love you with all my might, I miss you, I wish you the best in this new chapter of your life. Remember that I will always be here with anything that you need". 

While reading this and translating it, it touches my heart so much to know that I got very lucky to have such a great and understanding mother. I see how some people I know are with their mother and I just can't, I would never be able to disrespect or treat my mother like garbage, My mom is worth so much more than a diamond ring. She is honestly the best friend I could ever ask for. 

This free write has been the best assignment yet, only because I can just blab all over this blog. Now I shall write about my feelings on this class. Well I honestly wish I took more online classes, but I know that most of them wouldn't be this entertaining and creative. Waking up at 5am is a huge struggle but to just grab my laptop and relax whenever is SO much better! This class has made me start reading, I HATE reading so much, but this book is actually interesting and with the questions it just makes me want to read and understand the author much more. Well this free write was more than three paragraph, oops ! my apologies for making you read so much, I'm done now ! ADIOS 

When I stop, I notice

When I stop I notice

         how the day passes by

the birds can finally fly,
           the sun is out and the snow is melting,
melting like the cheese
            on a grilled cheese.

When I stop I notice
      the peace and silence I finally have.
My life is slowly shaping, 

      who knows what can come across this road.

amazingly I have the important ones to join me

        on my journey .      

When I stop I notice

       my heart racing by the look on his face,

So handsome and yet so perfect, 

      I stop and question what goes one in this long race

of love.

When I am in the moment 

     of giving up

I look up at those who expect me to be above all. 

    Yet not easy as said

 Always a bitter sweet feeling of feeling accomplished,

     never will I ever be abolished.

When I am in the moment 

      of writing a poem 

I feel lost and out of place,

     thankful to have my own thinking space.

Concentration is all I need. 

Lesson Learned.

There are many moments that we struggle through but yet have a hard time learning from what happened. A good lesson learned would probably be dealing with my first love. It may not be an event but this is someone who opened my eyes and someone who made me much stronger.

Starting off high school I felt like a lost puppy. I barely had friends, the only person I knew was my cousin. She made me join the JROTC drill team that was at 6am... EVERYDAY! I went for two weeks and then once I started missing my sleep I stopped going. I wasn't into the team as much as she was. 

Until one day I get a Facebook message from a cutie that was on the team. He convinced me to start going and of course I did. Slowly the drill team became something I enjoyed doing, it was something new and random.

The drill team became my new friends, especially the cutie. We would hang out on the weekends with the team and talk everyday. There was one day when he decided to walk me home and he noticed that he lived right down the street, we found it great because we could hang out a lot more ... as friends. What we had was a very strong friendship. The cutie had a crush on my cousin thats why I did not bother with falling for him. And yet of course I did, only because my cousin had a boyfriend so I decided to give it a shot. 

We went out secretly because he did not want anyone knowing what we had, I went along with it only  because I did not know better. This was the first real relationship I had ever gotten myself into. I saw the cutie as someone so amazing and someone I wanted to be with for a long time. We had the same group of friends, we enjoyed each others company, and we lived close by. 

Freshmen year ended and he graduated, his plans were to be in the Army after school and thats exactly what he did. He left for six months and in those six months I found out so much things that he had done behind my back. Mind you we did not claim each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, we were in the "Talking" stage. He did not want to make anything serious since he was leaving, I refused to move on. 

  

The things I found out involved so many other females that I had no idea it was all going on. Since we were so secretive no one knew about me. So the cutie went around and pleased whatever he wanted with these females. I felt used and abused by him. I was broken in many pieces and the worst thing about it was that I couldn't see him to give him a huge slap in the face. All I could do was write angry letters to him, which he responded but apologizing and saying that he was not right for me. I agreed 100% with him on that. 

The six months passed by and I stopped writing to him. He got home for Thanksgiving and I saw him at a soccer game, worse gut feeling ever. So much emotions going all over me. After the game we talked and ended things on a good note. We became friends but nothing like the way it was before.

My lesson was learned to never trust someone who wants to be in a secret relationship and to always communicate any feelings. Its pretty tough going from such a rough relationship to one where everything is perfect. The cutie did something that opened my eyes to see how I should view the guys that come across me. Now I see myself as someone who can place their foot down to a guy when he will try to disrespect me. This whole first love was true in my eyes until I knew what was hiding behind the cuteness. 

In my relationship now things are healthy its all equal and nothing is hidden from each other. All the mistakes I made with the cutie, I'm recovering now with my boyfriend. I thank him for teaching me a lesson and shaping me.

ALCHEMY

The Sun's shining essence
is always just one;
but its rays spread out
and show it as many.
Each created thing
is like a colored lamp
of the Sun
sometimes very damp


The essence is one,
but the attributes many.
we never know
what can come our way,
all we have to do is stand tall
and be all in for whatever
appears
no more fears

the steps taken are like an open book
may seem hard to look,
but we will all find that
one emerald across our path
that will change our view.

We've All Been There..

I will be focusing my thoughts to experiences I have gone through and what lessons were learned. I will mainly focus on situations between love and family. Dealing with these experiences have not been one bit easy, but there is always something to learn form it all.

Saul Sanchez.

My Old Man.

December 12, 2012 was the worst day ever, it is a day I will never forget.  It was a snowy day when I had gotten a phone call from my mom, yelling at me to get home. I rushed home to find my grandma crying while cooking. I kept asking everyone what was going on until my grandma mumbles "They took your grandpa" I was so confused until my mom explained to me what happened. My grandfather had been coming home from a job in Providence, that day was very snowy and the roads weren't safe.  He was driving until a car had crashed into him. The guy understood that he had no license and was just going to exchange information so that the damages could get paid for, but a witness was the one who called the police. My grandfather did not want to run and make the situation worse so he just let it all happen. My heart was crushed by the news. I had lost my old man, the only man in my life. When it was time for my grandfather to get his Peruvian passport I had the chance to see him before he left. He had on his dirty work clothes on and had such a happy look on his face. Saying bye to him was the hardest thing I have ever done. My grandfather was someone who would never shed a tear until that day. Letting go of his hand and watching him walk away in handcuffs was heartbreaking. Deep down I knew that he was going to be okay and that he was going back home to family. This experience has made me so much stronger. I am who I am today because of him. My old man will forever be my everything, no matter what.

Gersom P. Lopez 

My Nugget.

Finding out that I was going to be a big sister was okay news for me. I had been an only child for 8 years of my life and I was living it well. I knew that having a brother was going to add on some sharing and love, I didn't mind it at all. I remember my moms entire pregnancy, I found it so amazing to see her grow and grow until she popped. May 11, 2003, It was mothers day when this little nugget was born and boy was it a crazy day. All I can remember is waiting at home for my parents and the baby, I was so excited to see him. When I finally did, I felt complete. I watched over him like a hawk. My brother has become someone so important to  me that no one will every take his spot in my heart. After we had moved to Peru and moved back to Boston, My role as a sister had kicked itself into place. With my mom not being around it was up to me to handle it all. I did pretty well with my brother. Dealing with the responsibility of someone else was huge for a 10 year old. I through it all, the crying, the fighting and the tears. Now he's almost 12 and he's the most creative boy ever. Because of him I have learned to become mature and responsible. I look at myself and i'm someone very responsible and someone who he can definitely look up to.

At Ease.

When I was 14 my mom had decided to try to live on our own. It was not the best of apartments but it did the job of providing us with what we needed. My mom had my brother and I but that was not enough for her and I understand that. She started dating a man and that man ended up moving in with us. I wasn't that comfortable having a man who isn't my dad in my house but I was too young to say much and have it cause an affect. So my brother and I dealt with it. One night my mom got stuck working late and of course the man was home being a lazy and not doing anything. I remember this night clearly. I had on some basketball shorts and a tank top, thats the way I loved to sleep. My brother was already sound asleep next to me. I was starting to fall into sleep until I noticed that the lights were on but I acted as if I were asleep. I had noticed his shadow and him watching me sleep, then I felt a touch on my back. It was him touching my back and my legs. When he walked away I did not know what to do. I had no cell phone or anyway to contact anyone. Until my mom got home and I cried to her and I told her what he had done. She yelled at him and he denied it all. My mom called the police and by that time he had ran away. Police escorted me to school since I went alone, this went on for a week. No one in my family knew just my mom. That man is somewhere in Florida living as a sex offender. This whole experience has changed me in the best ways. It has made me someone who won't tolerate a man's inappropriate touch and someone stronger. Everything must happen for some reason. I had my share of obstacles and I know that there will be more, I just now know how to react.

Burgers.

saturday mornin's,
forced to be up by 8 o'clock
what reason , I'm not making that much guap
cook quick, shake this, flip that, don't miss
keeping it real,
making these meals
answering calls
caution sign up front, hoping no one falls.


burgers to burgers
shakes to shake
annoyed all day its time for my break.
look at my manager
how the hell do you manage hea
shows up late
we all hate
and he says "why y'all have to discriminate"
flipping all the burger racks
while thinking why this money can't come in stacks.

Days over, why did I agree to this job
I work with slobs.

PEACE!

Above All.

Ali, Livy, E, & Felipe.

Power.

Once I was able to work I went straight to it and got simple jobs, like working in fast food places. Going into my senior year of high school a friend of mine had said to me" Hey Nicole, I know you enjoy being with kids why don't you come into the Y and talk to Carlos?" I immediately accepted and went in. I had no application or resume to hand over to him. Carlos gave me a chance and gave me the chance to prove to him and the other YMCA staff that I was capable of handling kids. Weeks passed and he permanently gave me the job. I felt the power of being able to prove to those above me that I was capable of being with the children I enjoy the most.

Starting out on my first week, I was pretty anxious as always, only because I was watching over babies between 15 and 24 months. There were some babies who could barely walk or feed themselves, but one thing I do know was that they were all very smart. Whenever we would have lunch or snack they would all gather around the table excited to eat, banging the table and all in sync saying "PWEEEASSSEEE." Working with these kids was a pretty big step for me only because being around kids was my passion and being able to work and observe their actions was the best.

The way I felt power at work was having the ability to make them trust and love me. They grew onto me as I did to them. The minute I walk up the hall way and open that door all I can hear is "COLE" and a stampede of unbalanced babies running my way for a hug. I honestly cannot explain the feeling it gives me to be able to make nine babies listen and pay close attention to me when I say "No" or "Don't do this or that." 

These kids are the reason I smile everyday, I look forward to being in this environment and see what new thing they discover or say. They are all very wise in their own way. Sometimes I wonder how I was at their age. 

My love for children will continue to grow on me and I expect myself to continue in this path and learn what I can each day from them.

Powerless.

Graduating high school I thought that things were going to be a piece of cake. I'll take a semester off, work, and pick up with school next semester. That was probably the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I worked and worked everyday, made my money and had my own time to be lazy. Once September came around and I saw all of my friends getting ready to move into school and I saw pictures of them with new friends and just so much positivity. I was home, lazy, and being fat most of the time. I could have been them, I could have had new friends, and I could have started something new with myself.

The minute I noticed that I wanted to be in school, I went onto the BHCC website to see if I could sign up for classes. I was having such a hard time doing so that I cried for help to my boyfriend and he kept trying to help me until he noticed that I was not able to sign up for anything until I took my placement test. I had so much time on my hands during the summer that I just did not care and waited off for everything.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I cried and cried to my boyfriend so much because I jumped to the conclusion of myself being a huge failure and I was extremely negative on myself. I saw that there was no hope in myself becoming a teacher or getting my degree. I knew that I was going  to attend school eventually but I wanted that time more than ever. Bringing myself down was no help, but on top of that my family was also bringing me down. My grandmother would always tell me that I was going to give up, I was not going to go to school, and that I was going to be a failure. She was the one person I could never go to because she would be very negative. Even though the reason I'm in school now is because of her. I understand that she wanted the best for me, but at that point in my life, I saw nothing but a dead end.

September passed and I got a phone call from my aunt. She is someone who knows a lot about schools, much more than my family. She offered me breakfast to talk about my future plans. We went to Donna's Diner in Orient Heights, had a delicious meal and talked a whole lot. I had told her my plans of becoming a teacher and how I felt for not starting school with my friends. She told me that taking a semester of was not going to harm me in any way, she said it was good that I made that choice. From that day on she helped me make a plan, apply for school, and get everything that I needed done.

Now Im a full time student at BHCC and working two jobs. At times I feel overwhelmed with how college is but I always tell myself that it will all be worth it in the end.

Keeping the Strength.

Harnessing my strength is basic to do. I try to forget the negativity that is going on around me and I focus on what is in front of me. I usually work so that helps me to get my mind off things. But if I were to pick something specific to help me, then of would definitely be knitting. Nothing will help me keep myself at ease but to knit.

I learned how to knit back when I was spending time in Peru. I did not attend school or have friends so my grandmother taught me how to knit. We would always sit down watch tv and knit. At the age of nine I felt like an old lady. Knitting till this day helps me out so much with relaxing and just focus on what string is going where. If knitting brought in some money for me, then that would be my ideal part time job.

When I was at my weakest I had the ears and shoulders from others but that was not enough to help me go on. I had knitting as an escape from the chit chatting everyone had to say to me. Being in a room with Sam Smith on blast, yarn, and my knitting sticks is the perfect get away for me. Nothing can beat that feeling. Knitting is my drug.






When I Was A Limitless Child.
When I was a limitless child
                I would always dance to the
       spice girls without a
care in the world,
             just me and my girls.
  I had no worries
                           or
                responsibilities.
Summer days
         were the most exciting.
Sneaking into
                     the black yard
was the best times yet
         making rounds of
                  kickball worth the risk.

When I was a limitless child
        being under the table
took us into
                outer space,
an imagination
                so enormous
                           who could understand us.
Summer days
           nothing got in
the way
            of us getting
      our daily slush and fries

When I was a limitless child
      I was living
a great
             Life.

       

A Letter To My Mentor.

Dear Mom, 


I am writing you this letter because I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you have done for me. It is amazes me that you were only 20 years old when you had me, and that you changed your life for me and my brother. I am forever in your debt. My goal in life is to be able to give you everything you weren't able to have. You are my motivation to go to school and work hard.   

The knowledge and wisdom you have placed upon me has been amazing support throughout my life. I have always looked up to you. I knew as a little girl that I wanted to grow up to be just like my mom. As I started growing I noticed all of the obstacles that you have faced and all the pain you felt in certain situations. Seeing how you handled every little thing that came you way was great to learn from. After so much you still managed to stay strong and have a smile on your face. Having you as an example to learn from is what I am most grateful for.

Now we are both reaching a chapter in our lives where we will both be apart from each other. We may not see each other everyday but I do know that I will love you for eternity no matter where you are. I will always be here the way you were there for me. I am who I am because of you. Thank you so much for being an amazing mother who makes mistakes but who learns from them. You are truly the best person in my life.

With LOTS of love,

Nicole.

                                           

"This Goes Out to The Beautiful Girls"

         (To Jane, Kira, and Daniella)

With the knock on the door

all I can see is the three of you and no more.

A bond that will never be replaced

taking everyday with a slow pace.

Growing up was never easy

But with you ladies by my side, it was cheesey.

Cousins by force,

best friends by choice.

Thank you for being there for me.